Chapter 1 - Love and Awakening
“Love is no part of the dream world. Love belongs to desire and desire is cruel” - Neil Gaiman
The knife felt cold in my hand, sending a small shiver down my body. Maybe it was out of fear. I couldn’t recognize the actual source. Fear is a cold form of emotion. As I turned the handle in the dark, the edges glistened and then slowly faded away to darkness. I always wondered why deaths mostly occurred at night. It must have something to do with the peaceful nature of night. Maybe the souls find sanctuary in it and refuse to return to the body where they have lived long enough and are bound by the external limitations where human interaction plays a great role. I took a look at the polished silvery surface and saw my face in the moonlight. My eyes were red and swollen; it all looked strange to me. This is an amazing phenomenon, crying. I could never comprehend the mechanism. I felt like laughing at this stupidity of creating water from emotion. If only I could create something more than just water. I smiled a bit. But, still there is this little voice in my head shouting out the uselessness of my life, shouting all kinds of obscene words. I can hear it laughing out at my condition. I could recognize the voice. It makes it even more difficult to bear. I took a firm grip on the handle of the knife and lift it up slowly to my other wrist…
When I was young I had big dreams about love, though about it as a fairy tale story where everything ended in the line, “And they lived happily ever after”. One time I got the opportunity to make this dream come true. There she was suddenly in front of me as if she had always been expecting my arrival, waiting for me to come to her life. She was in my house and I have felt her presence comforting as if I knew her for ages. Her eyes looked at me searching for something in my mind. I felt shy and excused myself mumbling under my breath. Later in the evening she came to my room,
“Hi! Is this your room? Can I come in?”
“Yeah, sure”
“Why don’t you talk that much?”
I was silent for a while. I was searching for an appropriate answer. I did not have any.
“Are you always like this?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I feel strange that you are in my room.”
In reality I have always been like this. Human interaction somehow confuses me. Do we talk only to communicate or we talk just because we have to? I like talking only when there is something valuable to talk. I try to avoid any kind of talk that is not purposeful. Maybe I felt a bit shy too pondering on what words should come out of my mouth.
“Am I disturbing you?”
“No! Of course not! Why don’t you sit down and maybe we can talk.”
She sat down softly like a lotus floating on water. I couldn’t help looking at her face. She just turned her face away as if a wind of modesty blew into her face causing discomfort. The lotus revolved around my chair and then peacefully came to rest once again.
“Is that your laptop? Do you have internet? Can I search for some songs?”
I don’t have to answer those questions. She is already digging her fingers into my keyboard musically tapping away the keys. She is full of energy. She is like a honeybee in the spring time.
“Wow! You really have a fast internet!”
Poor girl, she has never seen what fast internet really is. Mine was just an average one. The pure innocence of her words fell on me like heavy rain and drenched me in a blanket of emotion that I have never felt before. She was from a place where technology has not made itself popular yet. But destiny and beauty makes no biased opinion about anyone.
“You are still not talking that much. Tomorrow you will have to go with me for sightseeing and if you don’t speak how am I going to know the places.”
“What?! Me?! I don’t know if I will be able to go.”
“You don’t want to go with me?”
“NO! That’s not the case… Ok I will go…”
Later that night as I was having my dinner which I always like to have alone, she came by my side and asked, “How was the vegetables?” “I made it”, she added with an air of childlike pride. Even though I could not find anything special about it, I did not want to hurt her as she eagerly waited for an answer. “It was great” I replied. I lied. But she was happy for the night.
Sometimes when you are about to wake up from your dream it takes a lot of effort to open your eyes. In fact it becomes really difficult to comprehend what is real and what is the dream. Both the world just mixes into each other creating a rather confusing situation. So the next morning I was about to wake up, I was confused if I was in a dream or not when I saw a girl standing by my bed looking into my eyes. I think she is trying to say something. But I was feeling deaf. I just watched with my eyes half opened. Then I felt a limb poking at me and suddenly all the noises came rushing into my ears temporarily deafening me in a unique manner. After a few seconds I was back to my normal conditions. She was still looking at me and I heard her say, “Hi! Wake up. Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah I suppose so. You woke me up so early.”
“Arre! You are going to make us late.”
She was all dressed up and ready for the day’s adventure. I looked at her. This time she did not turn away her face but slowly settled her gaze into my eyes. Her eyes are pretty and her lashes fluttered joyously every time she moved her eyes. Her hair flowed down like the ripples on a pond, curving up and down her back. She was like spring of seasons; everything around her looked full of life.
“It won’t take long for me to get ready. So where do you want to go?” I asked her.
I got up as fast as I could.
After we came back home from sightseeing in the evening, she asked me for my phone number, “Can I have your number if you don’t mind. Now as we are friends we can sometimes talk and message each other”. I did not know if we are friends. How do we make friends? In fact she was like my distant cousin. I was unable to comprehend the word ‘friend’. I was a bit confused and a bit happy that she asked for my number. I don’t know why. Sometimes we feel something which has no explainable inferences of the cause and effect.
“Ok here is my number…” and I gave her my number.
“Thank you, tomorrow I will recharge a ‘message pack’ for you. Then we can message without any worries about the charges” “I hope if you don’t mind if I recharge.”
I was enigmatic of her behavior. I was a bit afraid and a bit enticed by the situation. It was something like a game for me, a game whose rules she is going to teach me. It was like a puzzle I would like to solve.
“Ok but would you mind if I ask you why are you doing it?” “Why do we need to message?”
“Come on now we are friends. And friends always keep in touch. Why, you don’t like me or what?” she asked sounding a bit disheartened at my question.
“No… I like you…I mean… why I wouldn’t want to message you… I am ok with that. We are friends and so…” I replied in fits and my words got stuck in my throat at the end of the sentence. Then I remembered a better question to ask.
“By the way, what’s your name?” I asked.
It was a bit awkward and shameful, but yes, till then I did not even ask her name. I knew her pet name, which was how she was called at home, but I never bothered till now to ask her good name.
“That is why I always say you are not so social. You must talk with people more often than just sitting in front of the laptop.” She frowned at me. I just remained quiet.
“It’s …” she replied looking at me.
“I like your name”
“Will you miss me?” and that was like just out of the blue for me. I asked her to say it again just in case I heard it wrong. I searched inside of me for the answer. I felt hollow inside and the question reverberated inside me and faded into oblivion.
“Yeah I will miss you.” I lied for a second time. She was happy for another night.
Next morning I woke up and found someone sitting near me. She was waiting for me to wake up. She wanted to say goodbye to me before leaving. She shook my hand, looked into my eyes and asked me, “Will you miss me?” I was too late for an answer. It was time for her to go. Time does not wait for an answer. She was gone. Then something awoke inside me, a rising tide of affection which was affected by a distant body. But, Love, it always waits for an answer.
I picked up the phone. I mechanically typed some words into it and sent her a message.
“Yeah I do miss you”.
